Okay let's get a few things out here:
- During the intro, there's simply way too much information, all at once. I get it, you built a complex system, and that needs explanation, but shoving all that info onto the player right off the bat is a massive nope. If you made so many aspect, then ease people into them as the story progresses, otherwise when they get to the part where the previously told info would be imperative, they already forgot it. You do it already later anyway, so you could chop that part up a bit more.
- Rolling texts are irritating, especially when it breaks when a .... is written, and only serve to slow down the game play.
- Some typos here and there, nothing too big.
- Using items for every single little action, like in the bus stop will be annoying on the long run.
- Too many 4th wall break by the dev interrupting. Might be funny sometimes, but it's going overboard already.
- Mission completed screens, contacts added, etc, could be simply pop-ups, not something that breaks the flow yet again.
- Story stalling techniques. I don't know why developers thing they are a good idea, but they usually are not. For example the dad situation here. MC wants to know obviously what happened, he even asks it, then the typical "let's not do this now - oh right okay" conversation happens. Either keep it for later if you don't want to reveal anything about it, meaning the MC won't ask about it, or just let some info out of it, but don't stall.
- Too many internal monologues dropped at one time. The mom convo at the kitchen is a prime example. Add to the rolling text to it and it's be another stall.
- Doormat personality for the main character. Way overused. The room situation is that, dude gets everything he owns taken who knows where, then internal monologue, then he's just like: "Oh sure, no probs." Even with the situation is being what it is, it's rather unrealistic. Then the whole clean his office. Yeah, normally you'd say fuck that, when it's obvious that the guy hates your guts. I get that you somehow have to move the plot forward, but shit like this will just make your MC unlikeable.
- "You should look around to see if you find anything interesting" and co. type of dialogues. No one talks like this. If you must implement a hint, do that in a way that won't make your conversation feel artificial.
While it seems much, I did not listed these to discourage you, most of these problems are either minor, or easily fixable that would help on the long run for a better cohesion. It's obvious that you have a massive amount of work put into it, and many thoughts behind it, that is certainly something that's a big plus. The graphics look really good, some animations are sort of iffy but nothing too bad, and the premise is interesting with a possibly really engaging story down the road. Other than these, just don't go overboard on the possible grind aspects and you should be settled among the higher tier games.